I'm Really Not A Player
Me: I don't kiss or sleep with every girl I hang out with lol
Guy Friend: Ya know it's really hard for me to believe that lol :-P
Me: lol Why is it hard to believe?
Guy Friend: Cuz that's all you've done since I met you lol
Me: I have 'charm', girls want me, it's a curse lol
Guy Friend: I know it's annoying after a while huh
Me: Yeah, so many girls, so little time.
Guy Friend: lol
Don't 'dis Betty Boop!
Ex Girlfriend: *hyper* Your car is parked by the Rec! I saw it!
Me: *laughs* I'm glad you know what my car looks like.
Ex Girlfriend: *laughing* Well yeah! It says 'too cute'
Me: It says 'too cute for you'
Ex Girlfriend: With Betty Boop!
Me: Hey now! Don't 'dis Betty Boop.
Ex Girlfriend: I'm not. I love Betty Boop.
Me: *laughing* I have a Betty Boop watch.
Ex Girlfriend: *laughing* Seriously?! I have never seen this watch. I need to see it!
False Fuckin Advertising!
Me: What's up?
Guy Friend: not a hole lot watching russian blow shit up with automatic shotguns lol.. what are you up to?
Me: Nothing really, just talking to Jessica.
Guy Friend: Jessica??
Me: The girl I'm 'in a relationship' with.
Guy Friend: She's a lez?
Me: Yes, she's completely lesbian
Guy Friend: what is it hot chicks being complete lesbians?? honestly.. faulse fucking advertising lol
Me: lol how is it false advertising?
Guy Friend? Cuz I wanna do dirty things to y'all lol
Me: I actually take it as a compliment that people don't assume I'm a lesbian, because that mean I'm not butch and I'm hot lol
Guy Friend: false fucking advertising bro... lol
Me: lol sorry
Guy Friend: You should be lol
Me: It's not my fault her and I are sexy lol
Guy Friend: you should at least put it on youtube lol jk
(Same 90 year old patient)
Me: Are you ready to get up for supper?
Patient: *looks at me like I'm crazy* What?
Me: *laughs* It's time to eat.
Patient: You're gonna eat me?
Me: *laughing as my best friend walks in* No, I'm not gonna eat you.
Patient: *looking at my best friend* Are you gonna eat me?
Best Friend (RN): Yup I sure am.
Patient: Ohhhh you don't want to do that!
Best Friend (RN): *laughs* What are you gonna do about it?
Patient: *laughing and touches my best friends stomach* I'd rip your little tummy apart.
Patients...They Never Fail To Shock Me
*My best friend (an RN) and I are in our patients room helping her get off the toilet*
Me: *laughs* What's wrong?
Patient: *looks back and sees my best friend who is whipping her* Hey now! That's my pussy! Stop playing with it. You have your own to play with.
*My best friend and I start laughing uncontrollably and the patient starts to giggle*
Me: You're a troublemaker!
Patient: Says who?
Me: Says Me.
Patient: Well, there's nothing better to do.
(keep in mind this woman is 90 years old)
Mystery Girl: I couldn't write a movie, not unless there were a lot of 10 minute sex scenes in it.
Me: So....a porn?
Mystery Girl: They could have outter course!
Mystery Girl: It will be the accidental discovery of it. The girl will be all extra wet and the guy will slip out but will just keep on thrusting, as the girl is sitting there completely unsatisfied. Then he will jizz all over the place and say "Ahhh that was amazing" and she will reply "Atleast I can't get pregnant" and then that discovery of outtercourse will have been made.
*Whispers* Hey, do you want to rub your penis between my thighs?
One of my 70,000 Thoughts A Day!
(For those of you who didn’t know, the average person has 70,000 per day!) “Who influences you the most?” What kind of question is that anyway? It makes zero sense if you actually stop to think about it. That one question is asked by universities, in job interviews, and on dates that have an awkward silence (which would be a horrible date because silence doesn’t have to be...
Makin' Ice Cubes Jealous
Friend: You are awesome! And you are very attractive and you're confident and the fact taht you work hard and exercise is a plus.
Me: If you were single, I'd think you have a little crush on my awesome sexy self (I couldn't blame you if you did either) lol jk. Thank you :)
Friend: lol you think you are so cool don't you? :) just being honest and telling you like it is.
Me: I don't think I'm cool, I know I'm cool. When I open up the freezer, the ice cubes start to shiver with jealousy lol.
Friend: Hahahaha I've never heard that before.
The Most Hopeless Romantic Thing I've Done For A...
A few years ago I was ‘talking’ to a girl and I wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend. This was my sweetest way of asking her, so bare with my corniness :-P In the morning before she woke up I laid Hersey’s Kisses on the floor from her side of the bed to the restroom that lead to the shower. From the shower head I hung a dozen roses, and on the mirror I had written: “Now...
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species....
Tanning or Date: Choice is yours
Me: I think I may start going tanning again.
My Ex Girlfriend: You don't need to tan.
Me: It's either i tan, or take you on a date sometime next week. The choice is yours lol.
My Ex Girlfriend: You can take me on a date.
Me: Damn! lol jk. Alright
My Ex Girlfriend: Jeez, you can just go tanning ma'am
Me: Na. I mean a tan does look good on my body, but so you do you ;) lol jk, but I would rather take you on a date if you would like?
My Ex Girlfriend: I'm open to be taken on a date :)
From 'Hooking Up' to 'Dating' to simply 'Talking'
Alright, so I know you’ve noticed my blogs and majority of my ‘chats’ involve my ex girlfriend (aka mystery girl) and that’s because she is kind of a big part of my life. In a couple of my earlier blogs I discussed how we met and if you haven’t read those, I’ll briefly tell you. I go to the SRWC (the Rec) to work out 7 days a week. The end of the Spring...
She Started It!
*My 'husband' and my ex girlfriends daughter are making facing at each other (her daughter is laying across both her and I*
Me: What are you doing?
My 'Husband': Um, making faces. DUH!
My Ex Girlfriend: Are you being silly?
Her Daughter: *giggling* Stop tickling me!
Me: *my ex girlfriend looks at me and laughs* It's not me. *I look next to me at my other guy friend* What are you doing?
Guy Friend: She tickled me first.
Me: *laughing* She's 2! Get over it!
Guy Friend: *stands up laughing* I will not get over it!
My Ex Girlfriend: She's suppose to be sleeping. This is why she cuddles up to Jennifer. She will fall asleep with her.
My 'Husband': She started it!
My Ex Girlfriend: *laughing and looks at me* Your boys are awesome.
Me: I know :)
Reblog this if the person you reblogged it from is...
Reblog if it's ok to rape your ask box.
REBLOG IF U ARE A LESBIAN ;]
Anonymous asked: So now that you know who I am, do you think I could make it on that list one day? lol
These Are The Questions That Keep Me Up At Night
*My ex and I cuddling in my bed cause she was upset*
Me: *hears birds chirping outside my window* So, I have a question.
My Ex Girlfriend: What's that?
Me: Do birds get sore throats?
My Ex Girlfriend: *looks at me like I'm crazy and laughs* Seriously?
Me: Have you never wondered that? It's a legit question. They chirp all the time, their throat is bound to get sore.
My Ex Girlfriend: I don't know. Ask a Vet.
Me: I don't know any vets.
My Ex Girlfriend: You're so random.
Me: These are the questions that wake me up at night.
My Ex Girlfriend: *laughing* Who thinks of stuff like that?
Me: Clearly I do. It must be one of my seventy thousand thoughts a day.
(In case you guys didn't know, the average person has 70 thousand thoughts per day)